Feelings of depression / diminished or broken self
In the 2023 Canadian Psychedelic Survey of over 2000 people, 52% reported they had experienced at least one intensely challenging trip. And of those, 35% reported being affected by the fear ‘Worried about never being the same after the trip’.
In CPEP's own survey of extended difficulties after psychedelic experiences, 6% of people reported that they were affected by ‘fear of having permanently damaged the self’ for an extended period after a trip, and another 6% reported ‘fear of going mad’. Here are some of the responses we themed under ‘fear of having permanently damaged the self’:
Occasional overwhelming anxiety that ebbed and flowed, feelings of being out of control of my thoughts, feeling that my brain was 'broken'. Depression.
I took MDMA and drank alcohol at my friends wedding and the psychedelic experience was not bad or challenging. The only symptom I perceived the next day is that my toes became numb and this persisted for several days. However, two weeks later I experienced the strongest anxiety attack I have ever had which lasted two days and I am still having trouble with my mental health and understanding what has happened. I have to say I am not completely sure that the MDMA triggered this persistent anxiety and feeling of weight and numbness in the head, but I had never felt it before like this. I was afraid that I had damaged myself for good and that I was going crazy or that I would have a stroke or die. The feeling was so unbearable I even thought I could not possible continue on living if it was to last more than a week. Today I feel much better but have some good and some bad days.
A few months before my trip, an aunt had experienced a mental break. In the aftermath of my trip I was overcome with a fear that I had just done irreversible damage to my brain and that I would be stuck in "a bad place" like her.
I was worried that I had caused permanent damage to my consciousness. Because I think such intense emotional experiences leave an imprint on us, on our hearts, and it takes a while to resolve. These feelings were with me for at least half a year but maybe longer.
Post-psychedelic feelings of depression generally last for 0-6 months, though they can of course be more fleeting than this, or longer-lasting. They can also range from mild to very severe. If you're experiencing severe post-psychedelic depression or suicidal ideation, please contact professional help such as the University of Berlin's post-psychedelic difficulties clinic, which offers free online consultations.
Feelings of depression following a psychedelic experience can manifest in various ways. For some, it may feel like a persistent sense of sadness and hopelessness. Others may find themselves in a state of low mood or anhedonia (inability to feel pleasure in normally enjoyable activities), where even the simplest pleasures lose their appeal. This sense of despair can be worsened by a lack of support or understanding from those around them.
I collapsed into a severe, almost catatonic depression. I could not even tell my husband that I was having suicidal ideation. I reached out to my therapist for integration sessions once and when he did not reply, I fell further into the abyss of hopelessness and despair. I went through the motions of existing, grateful that my busy schedule held me accountable for alive, but I did not see the point. This lasted over 2 months.
While the majority of individuals do not experience suicidality after psychedelic experiences, it is important to acknowledge that for some, suicidal thoughts may arise. Suicidal ideation can be distressing and alarming, requiring immediate attention and support from mental health professionals or loved ones.
Coping Strategies
When dealing with feelings of depression, it can be helpful to reach out to trusted friends, family members, and/or mental health professionals who can offer understanding and guidance. Engaging in self-care practices such as mindfulness, exercise, and creative expression can also help manage difficult emotions and promote overall well-being.
The most commonly reported coping strategies that individuals found helpful for managing post-psychedelic feelings of depression include getting therapy or coaching, support from peers and family, and physical exercise.
Here are some practices people generally have reported to find helpful to cope with challenging psychedelic experiences:
- Speaking to friends and family or attending a peer support group
- Speaking to a therapist, especially one who is familiar with psychedelic difficulties (CBT is often effective for anxiety and panic problems, although some also say they are helped by somatic therapy exercises that help regulate their nervous system).
- Cognitive practices like compassionate self-talk, cognitive distancing, and especially meditation and prayer
- Embodied self-care practices like exercise, yoga, walking in nature or body relaxation
- Finding useful information online and in books (e.g. the work of Stanislav Grof’s or “Breaking Open: Finding a Way Through Spiritual Emergency” by Jules Evans and Tim Read)
- Journaling
- Engage in creative activities like writing, art-making, or music
- Some people find medication helpful. Additionally, although controversial and risky, some may find that a subsequent altered state experience can help resolve their difficulties. However, this method carries obvious risks and should be approached with caution.
It is essential to explore and integrate these strategies in a way that resonates with personal preferences and needs, seeking support from professionals or trusted sources as needed.
Jules' story
Jules Evans, the director of CPEP, was inspired to start this project because he experienced severe post-psychedelic difficulties from 18-24. Here he shares a bit about the feeling of having 'broken your self' after psychedelics:
When had a bad trip, aged 18, I went to bed that night with one thought burning a hole in my brain: ‘you’ve done it now, you’ve permanently damaged yourself, you’re damaged goods’.
Over the next six years or so, that seemed to be true. I experienced various involuntary and unwanted mental states – panic attacks, nightmares, mood swings, social anxiety and derealization.
The worst of it was the belief that I had broken my brain and was fated to be broken for the rest of my life. I suffered from a deep sense of neuro-chemical fatalism and determinism.
The precise moment this changed was when I had a near-death experience, aged 24. I won’t go into the details (I describe it at length here), but during the brief, ecstatic experience I experienced the strong intuition ‘you are OK, you are not broken. What is causing your suffering is your beliefs’.
This turned out to be true. It was my belief ‘you have permanently broken your brain’ which caused a lot of my depression, fatalism, helplessness and social phobia. When I let go of that belief, I opened up to the possibility of healing and recovery. It took a long time to fully recovery, nonetheless - over a decade, I’d say. Don’t worry, that’s very unusual. Most recover from an intensely challenging trip in a few days or weeks.
Now, many years later, I have a happy and fulfilled life, relatively speaking, and I lead the Challenging Psychedelic Experiences Project to try and help others stuck in adverse and unwanted mental states after psychedelic experiences.
And it turns out my situation was far from unique.
Further resources
For further information and support, the following web resources and support services are recommended:
- We run a free monthly online support group for people experiencing post-psychedelic difficulties.
- Psychedelic Clinic in Berlin: Clinic at Charité – Universitätsmedizin Berlin offering immediate support. Click here to get in touch.
- Psychedelic Support: Connect with a mental healthcare provider trained in psychedelic integration therapy and find community groups that can provide support.
- Fireside Project: The Psychedelic Support Line provides emotional support during and after psychedelic experiences.
- Institute of Psychedelic Therapy: The Institute for Psychedelic Therapy offers a register of integration therapists.